A.N.A.L. = A Nostalgic Affair of Loves

It all started when I was just in my first year in college. He was a college drop out and I was the young stupid fresher. Our story wasn't really your ideal relationship, which I like. Cus I'm into that kind of oh-so-lovey-dovey-boyfriend/girlfriend cliche. We we're perfect in a way that we like. But we ended it after almost 2 years of on and off and had closure. 

So why do I have that chronic depression every year? I had eliminated him from my world after we ended it. To me, he does not exist anymore after that. I mean, He was supposed to be a mere remnant of a fleeting dream. Not real. And now here we go again? I really had enough, mourning and whatever.

Well in his defense I had the problem. My commitment issues hasn't affected my few real relationships this much. We had the worst. I can honestly say he deserved the best. But it wont change the past realizing my mistakes in the past right?

Having multiple dreams about our past doesn't makes sense anymore.  It was like seeing a face you might have seen once in a drunken dream. Just a drunken reverie. It is weird, when the past comes back in the least expected way. Weird. Surreal.

I feel nauseous and other weird feelings that I don't usually feel. So physically I feel sick and mentally I can't even explain it. So much has happened so fast before, I don't know what to do or what to think. I don't deserve all of this. I'm sure things could be worse but right now it really doesn't seem that way. It's hard to get out of bed, its hard to do anything. My heart hurts everyday and I can't stop thinking about him. Its ridiculous how much I hurt right now after all those years and he doesn't even know, or care. I never felt that way about anyone before. 

I found my blog post last '08. Excuse my grammar I was young back then. 

"Dear R,

 It's stupid to think about you at times that you may never think of me. This nostalgic feeling gives me head aches. Feeling the pain had made me think of stupid shits. I lie awake at night thinking bout this and made me more sad. I wait at my balcony door just to think about you. Smoking, Thinking, Sobbing. :(( Even for a thousand years I'll be.  I miss that one time I said im bored then you drop by  my house with snacks and movies and when I want ice cream you go to 7 eleven just to buy some and I'll just wait for you and finish the movie. I missed it when our friends eagerly separate our seats when we had sessions. And you still come to me and ask for a hug in the middle of the big table between us. Just to make you comfortable and much more relaxed even though it doesn't look like. I cant barely breath that day. Holding hands crossing the pedestrian lane. Going back to those time made me sad. Then again I said that already. I really can't help it. I miss it when I wait for you at my balcony door. After we had an awful fight. 

I do miss it when we fight over non-sense stuff and after it we'll just go and have a cigarette and then you do that annoying SERMON of yours. Oh how much I miss your bad boy attitude. When we planned to live in a peaceful island that we own and have a wonderful family. We even imagined what we are wearing that day. Oh your so vain. You speak wonderful words not knowing I truly love it. I was touched when you told me that you want me to meet your mom. It was a wonderful feeling. I even caught it on tape. Remember? LOL! 

I miss your Oh-So-Presko attitude. Yes! When we faught in the middle of the road. While you carry my  bag. I find it funny and you aswel. We just laugh after everyone on that road was looking at us. It's as if we we're really MARRIED. 

Talking about getting married. I still remember you said to me we'll get married at the end of an island with a light house on it and all us wearing all white and RED. Your favorit color. I miss it. Oh how did we end up like this. I still picture us together. The way you loved me changed me. Made me a better person honestly. All the happy emoticons can't even make me express the true happiness that I had at those times. Coz we dreamed togther. We shared problems together. Oh when will it come back. We deserved better after this.

I truly loved you. "L"

My last blog post one month after we ended it.

So maybe this will be the last time I would write about you. I hope so. Cus I always preach myself "If the feeling is dead, don't go digging it up every time to check if there's a pulse, cus its fcking dead." I should just walk away and practice what I preach.  

You what really hurts? I had to force myself to give you up cus we're not whole anymore. Our relationship was kind of a puzzle to me. I can't finish it unless I have every piece of it. I just handle it in wrong. So here I am 3 years after still saying you're the one that got away.  Trying to calm myself every night when I wake up from the reality you gave me. Lost in words.

Seriously. I don't know what else to say, my brain hurts, my chest is tight, and I wish I could cry, just once. Because I haven't been able too, and that is absolutely killing me... and you know what else kills me? Now or maybe even for a thousand year I'll be thinking...

Why can't the past die quickly & painlessly?