The Reboot

Getting back to square one was never an easy task. Specially when you've been doing it for half a decade now. I can't seem to help myself from indulging and craving from what seems to be left in our half-witted relationship. I always ask myself. Will it ever go away? That inkling you get when you think about what might happen if everything go the way you planned.

In the process of hibernation from yet another dating disaster
that I tried to build up again, it crawls. That pain, aguish and disgust clambers through me. How did I let it happen to me again. Trying to fix what was left, when the pieces was old and not updated. I felt lost. I cant seem to find where to put back every single pieces on whats left in our failed relationship.

My entire system needs to shut down. I splurged myself from eating my feelings out. (I tend to eat a lot when I'm depressed, hence my rapidly weight gaining.) The moment I stopped. I got to thinking. Were we even good enough for me to destroy my entire system? Was all the nonstop arguing would make us last to a perfectly good relationship? No, it wont. Our relationship wasn't even that healthy, let alone us post breakup.

I sit and wonder, how will I uninstall all that was left of us? Sometimes I get this urge to talk to just to clear things out but then I realized that you wouldn't get it. The whole time we were in that doltish relationship where no one gets anyone. We're both lost in translation. No common ground. We both plugged ourselves to this idea that we're perfect and end up not connecting.

I need to take actions into place. It's about time for me to unplug us out of my source of power. The futile source of our never ending misery, is way too much for my payroll of energy.

I've learned how to pretend to be fine when deep inside I'm overloading. That anxious feeling I had the when we started pretending again. It's funny how we both pretend we care for each other. People who cares for each other don't do that. What we did isn't normal. We hited the limit break. I bet you're thinking the same thing.

Theres no easier way out of this, is it? I just have to shut off and log out all of this. All the whiplash of anger keeps building up more and more. Theres no reason for me to stay. There's no reason for us to do this to ourselves. I should just do what's right and that is to walk out. And this is my plea. We're both to blame and we both needs to stop ourselves. 

I felt saw phosphenes after all. I woke up from a tragedy in the making. From our bitter love. People with issues doesn't go well with each other. They might love each other but there will always be a reason for them to fight. Big or small people fight over it. Then after the fight, breakup will rise. It wont stop until you wake up and tell yourself you had enough. Stop hurting yourselves from the so called someday I'll be over this and put it all to rest. Reboot your system. 

xo Manic Pixie